Out Together

I catch a glimps of what used to be.
Is it real or am I in a dream?
Sadness washes over me
As I think about reality...
But for now nothing is as it seems,
It is the way it used to be and
For the moment- for the moment,
I'll enjoy the dream.

Hard Wired

When we were brand new,
How the current flowed through.

It was a wonderful flow of energy...
Passing from me to you and you to me.

Poetry flowed from me always then.
I began to trust and my wounded heart opened.

We joined as one- and what happened to the flow?
Suddenly what was raging became very slow.

Short-circuited now- sadly we are broken.
Still joined, but our love blocked and unspoken.

I have all this love to give and it's killing me,
I'm being burned up by my own wasted energy.

Oh bitter is the once-so-sweet taste-
The price to pay for our foolish haste.

Trapped?

Pull the drawbridge, fill the mote.
Tell the citizens that we are on alert.
Send out the scouts, call the guards.

They said they were friendly...
They sent promises of peace and joy.
They sent gifts of love, all words unfulfilled.
Get the guards to their posts, watchers watch.
This alliance may actually be a take over.

Oh my hurting heart.

House of Cards

Building a house of cards,
You know it will come down,
But you build it anyway, it fills the time.
Card by card you get in deeper...
"Can't stop now, we've reached the second story"
So we build and build and it gets bigger and bigger
and we decided to go ahead and live in it
Despite the fact that cards are weak
and card houses always come down sooner or later...
Reassurance abounded and I went along-
And as I feared, it's coming down- right on our heads.

Looking Back

Painful is the regret of a mistake made,
Living in regret is indeed a high price paid.
Isn't that just the American way?
Gratify now, and later pay.

Oh that's what I've done,
and now my stomach churns.
I look back and see the exact
Point I should have turned.

If only, if only I had just been strong,
It'd be dificult still but not this wrong.
So another crossroads, now much harder,
I wish I wasn't here, wish I had been smarter.

Oh the sadness and pain of regret.
Every day I fret, fret, fret.
The grass is greener on the other side,
I wonder if I can stay and abide...

Turn it around

Why is it we remember the words that are spoken,

That which is negative; promises broken?

For every sweet memory, there are ten bad,

It's easier to hold on to the troubles we've had.

Think of a person that you don't really like;

Name three things bad, name three things nice:

It's harder by far to come up with the good,

I wish we could turn it around- we should!

I will make my best effort- each day,

To see the truth, but in a more positive way.

Balanced

Standing upon a stack of issues a-top a slippery slope,
Maybe life isn't stable right now but I do have hope.

I've learned that all balance lies in the very core,
Just when I don't think I can handle any more,

I step up to another level and wonder how,
And I think I've found the answer now.

Stability is preferable, a solid ground taylored-
But "Smooth sailing doesn't build a strong sailor".

I have to balance better than a circus clown,
but I'll be stronger when I come down.

Too cold

I want the heat of our past desire
I want to look in your eyes and see the fire,
I want you to be crazy for me again,
I want the infatuation you say didn't end.
I want consideration and I want respect,
I want the joy past upon which I reflect.
I miss the poetry that flowed from my heart,
The music we had so strong at the start.
I wish we could go back and learn
How we could avoid losing that burn
Instead of replacing it with another
Where the only fire is anger with each other.
The poetry that flows from me no longer joy.
My speech and touch now seem to annoy.
My heart no longer goes lighter and higher,
It sinks with my tears and douces the fire.
How, tell me how could the heat be gone?
Where love, passion and joy belong,
There are tears, pain, and yes, still hope-
That it's only for now that we have to cope.
My sadness wells as I hope for even ground.
That we'll be okay as time goes around.
A happy medium between extremes-
Instead of the two we've had for themes.
Is middle ground the best to expect?
Can love's first magic ever come back?
Or was it just a deceiving trick,
It turned to anger and sadness so quick.
Will we find a rut to settle into?
Is this the best for me and you?
Passionless roommates monogomous?
No joy, but better than now- no fuss?
Our love once so sweet to the taste...
Ruined by marriage in haste.
A rut would be better than what we have now.
I'd turn it around but don't know how.
It still feels good to be in your arms,
I still enjoy your sweet charms,
there is good in almost every day-
I just want the negative to go away.
The good is there, potential abounds,
Is this a cycle that goes round and round?
What if there is no middle ground?
Can our hearts take all this up and down???
Are we trapped, destined to light and dark?
I miss the heat, miss feeling the sparks.
You say we're fine, and I'm dreading too much-
But I miss the passion and I miss your touch.

One blade of grass...

My Soul weeps and I lack the odacity to seek out a living God.

I've set up and knocked down my own pins.

The God of love is the God of pain and the judger of my sins.



She talks to those that she wants to when Her whim or will calls.

He takes Kings and makes examples of them- so say the stories of men.

He hardens hearts and sets up circumstances to punish

-and to bless...



Does the God of wrath, the God of love, the God of pain, the Creator of good and evil even notice me? Did She see my tears? Did she heed my cries? Did He let me suffer? Did She create the evil done to me and give my abusers the ability to hurt me as much as my ability to cry out in futility? Yeah.



As well as the strength to allow me to get out of a bad situation and right into the next. Yeah.



Does the God of all care to know me, despite years of faithful song and worship and study and diligence and long-suffering to the literal meaning of the word??? Yeah- or some would say.



I don't have the odacity to seek out this God, the Creator of all any longer; nor do I to shake my fist at the sky...

The Maker of Hell is also the maker of the children I serve, the sunset I observe in joy, and the sweet thing in life as well.



I am but a weed in miles and miles of field. One blade of grass.



All I can do is live life the best way I can, with as few regrets as possible and hope it's good enough- despite what my former brothers and sisters in the bible-thumping club would tell me.

Stomach's turning, my eyes are burning,

the kids made the house a mess.

I can't seem to do anything right,

And my life is full of stress.



The evil ex doesn't pay a thing

so they all come after me,

I do my best to stay calm and rest

but it's all adding up on me.

Dibs!

"Dibs" he says as he smiles adoringly...
We walk together and he hugs and kisses me,
He lets me know I'm his everything-
But can I handle wearing this ring?

A thing of beauty, meaning and worth,
More than any object I've had since birth,
And as I look down at it's shiny twinkling,
Do I want to make another man my king?

Is this really what I want for my life?
To again be someone's submitting wife?
To this man, I am his everything,
But can I handle wearing this ring?

When we're together, he puts a spell on me,
I lay in his arms so happily...
But will he turn controlling and mean?
Can I really handle wearing this ring???

I feel the slow isolation coming on,
Many activities I loved to do- gone...
His light persuasion and of my own will-
My feet are cold and grow colder still.

Oh indecision.

CHANGES!

Change is all there is, nothing ever stays the same.
To stay the same is stagnant, we need to flow and rearrange.

While we have our constants, we all still grow old,
Life is ever flowing on, the future still untold.

As I come into this moment, another chapter in my life,
A new career, a new home, as I become a new wife,

I think of all I've come through, where will it lead,
How to balance it all between want and need...

And all I can do is commit to my best.
Do what I can and easily rest.

Forward on!

Looking forward without pause to look back.
Blue skies ahead; behind- just grey and black.
I have my direction, steadily forge ahead,
With my mind and heart with strength I tread...
It was a rough storm that I came through,
Rocked so hard I didn't know what to do,
But here I am now on the other side
Moving forward with an even stride,
Without looking back and without regrets...
With dues paid and more than my share of debts...
But happy to feel the sun on my face,
Happy to be free and walking at a good pace.

Balancing Act

Here I am on another highwire,
only this one has a net.
No longer walking over fire,
But it's still hard to balance yet.
So much weight, can I hold it all?
It keeps shifting, will I fall?
The ex on my left, and my love on right,
My kids and my job, This is such a fight!
Finances, my house, will it come crashing down?
How do I balance all this on the ground?
I'm walking the best that I possibly can.
Up here on this highwire I pause and I stand...
Wondering how I'll ever lighten this load...
How to get off of this highwire and on down the road.

No Longer

No longer the pain from day to day,
No longer is my life wasting away,
No more bad circumstances forced,
NO LONGER owned, finally divorced!

There are those who say it's wrong,
Having no idea of my suffering for so long,
They say the things that they were taught,
They all dwell in the Land of Ought.

I don't care what any of them say,
I have joy, I see the light of day,
God doesn't curse this, He set me free,
Now I can live my life in light, thankfully.

Catching a Breeze in a Jar

Like catching a sweet breeze in a jar...
The words seem to come from afar
If I'm not ready at the breeze's sigh,
It will be too late, it will just go by.

It makes me sad when I see it go,
I should be more prepared, I know-
I should always keep a jar by my side
Before it's again blown out with the tide.

song in my dream

This is the song in my dream, sing,
this was the song while asleep,
this was the song, but now it's gone,
and I don't remember a thing.

this is the dream song I sang, see?
This is the song in my dreams,
Where nothing is at all as it seems;
Songs flow by in my dreams.

The world is so crazy in dreams, see?
Nothing is as it seems...
Language spoken is never the same
And you rarely feel any pain...
I don't think you feel the pain...uh

This is the song in my dreams, sing!
Songs flowing through to awake,
I got up to write them down-
but I don't remember a thing,
Just the tune to the song in my dream.

MM 5-11-07

How's the Weather?

Hope is blue sky for our future together,
Hoping for the good warmer weather,
That the sun will shine more oft than not
I see a cloud forming and fear being caught!

A dark little cloud, joined by another,
in the corner of the sky, eek, another...
The sky is blue and the sun is warm,
I hope we're not expecting a thunder storm...

What kind of climate do I find myself in?
This is uncharted land; I don't know what's been.
I love the warmth and sun, but what to expect?
On the storms we've each experienced I reflect...

Those gathering clouds, three in three days...
I wonder how long we'll feel the sun's rays
Before we're douced, drop at a time,
Is this another slippery slope to climb?

Those gathering clouds make me nervous,
And I wonder what will become of us,
I know we'll be together, through sun and rain,
I'm just hoping my heart won't get crushed again.

I don't think I can handle another hurricane,
I've worked too hard to heal from my pain.
No love is strong enough to make up for hell...
Solid love on solid ground would do us both well.

Yes the seasons will come and go,
This is life, the way it is, I know.
There will be the flow of up and down
Times we'll smile, and times we'll frown.

I just hope that the climate we've got...
Involves more sunny calm weather than not.
Hold me through the storms; we'll get through,
If you give me your best, and my best is for you.

Plan B

"If this doesn't work, I'll give you a call.
If I can't work it out, then on you I'll fall...
Your are plan B, I like you a lot.
I will want you if I can't keep what I've got.
Stay on the hook, I'll call here and there,
To keep you on your toes, hoping you still care..."

It's been months since we spoke, he called today.
I told him about my Love, and sent him on his way.
"I don't ever want to have a plan B.
So have a nice life, and please don't call me."

I win

The cards are dealt, and with each one, it doesn't look that good.
I thought about folding and just living that way, but I understood,
That this was my only shot, one chance to win the bet.
I put my energy in because I knew there was hope yet.
What can you do with a seven and a two, I waited for the "flop",
A king, a queen and a two, off-suit, is what was dropped.
A pair of twos, I thought to myself, I guess I'll do alright,
Yet I knew that it wouldn't do much good and still I'd have to fight.
When the call came around, I laid more money down,
Suddenly I was all in...
And what comes through but a seven and a two...
and with my new full house- I WIN!

Through the Fire

Gold is purified through heat,
So much that the gold melts,
And when it becomes hot enough,
The dross comes up to the surface
And only then can it be removed.
They say when gold is purest,
You can see through it when it pours.

I am going through the fire,
And there is a lot of dross...
Hotter and hotter the fire burns
The more I suffer, more comes to the top
And it is removed and corrected,
Bad patterns removed as they come up...

Leaving me with a see through spirit,
At last I see who I am, uncluttered...
I see for myself, for the first time ever...
I am boiling, soon to be cooled,
And more beautiful than I have ever been.

Taking Action

Dirt falls, dirt falls, and then some more,
Over the stuff I don't want to explore
If I bury it here, I'll be alright,
I'll feel okay with my pain out of sight.

Sweep, sweep, sweep it under the rug,
But there's a lump growing, too much to lug.
If it's swept aside, the wrong done goes away
Sweep it under here, and face another day.

Splash, Splash, kerplunk, there it all goes,
The non-action got dumped in the lake
The fish may die and the earth may quake,
But if it's under water, it'll be gone from sight,
And that will make it, that'll make it alright.

Shhhh! Don't tell about the death in the closet,
Better to pretend that we have never met,
Don't discuss it or someone will get upset,
Keep the body in the closet and don't dare tell!

...Um, I don't think I'll consent to this hell.

Better to do the work and deal with the pain.
Better to take a loss to be able to gain,
Better to clean that muck from under the rug
Better to repair the hole I dug,
Better to excavate the lake and deal,
Deal with the blame right at my heals,
Better to call authorities about the closet,
And accept what ever blame I may get...

At least I won't have a dead guy in my closet,
murdered fish in my lake, a lump in my floor,
or burried pain to come back to haunt me...
You can't force me your way any more,
I insist!
.....I
..........WILL
.......................BE
................................FREE!

Volcano

People see me from far away,
I am a rock reaching to the sky!
Tall and stable, firm and cool...
I am a mountain, I stand alone!

They don't see past the surface.
They see snow and plantlife,
They see a place to build and control.
What they don't see is the heat.

They don't see my connection
To the core of the world,
They don't see my anger welling
But they may feel me quake...

They ask questions like "how's that for you?"
They have no idea the degree of pain
No understanding of my choices,
Only judgement based on the lies handed down

I'm a rock, a mountain covered with snow...
Cool and stable for those depending on me...
But my whole life is about to blow apart,
And it's way, way past time for that.

So give me the evil eye if you wish to,
Tell yourself another lie if it suits you,
But don't blame me when you are forced to see,
The thing you rooted for was such evil to me.

BJJ

Sweat pours and adrenaline rushes,
Every muscle working to protect myself,
Rolling, escaping, capturing, breathing...
Waiting for opportunity and trying hard,
To keep from making mistakes...

Breathing heavy and energy so low,
Pop once, twice, and there I go,
And again, here we roll, each one of us
Trying to get the better of the other...
It's a struggle but we are friendly,
What we do now may determine
Life or death on the streets someday,
So we roll and we tap, and we learn.

Poetic Soul

A poetic soul works through turmoil by writing it out,
As an artist throws colors of black, brown and red,
As a sculptor cuts and scrapes and gouges,
As design is coaxed out by a welder's torch,
As a child role plays with toys and acts out the issue,
As a powerless woman cries and prays and does her best...

A poetic soul expresses joy through words,
As an artist paints with rainbows...
As a sculptor smooths and finalizes his work,
As a welder polishes his masterpiece...
As a child dances gleefully in a field of grass...
As a powerless woman finally realizes how much power she really possesses and finds her freedom!

Surrounded... (a bit different, I know)

The Army of Shadows covers the hill just yonder: Lead by General Spite, a soldier named Hate, a soldier named Deceit, along with Resentment, Bitterness, Immorality, Self-indulgence, Unstable, Stalker, Corrupt, Hurt and his twin Hurtful, and Blameful, along with many more.
A dark and intimidating army; huge pumped up soldiers with spikes protruding from their armor and obvious blood thirst in their roar as they charge at me into the battlefield...

...I stand strong with my Army of Hope: with General Freedom leading a soldier named Love, a soldier named Honesty, along with Chosen Integrity, Light, Consideration, Forgiveness, Peace, Self-discovered and her twin, Self-caring (who replaced Self-sacrificing after she was lost in the last battle against the Army of the Shadows)...

...The evil Ex's Army of Shadows is bigger; but I also have the support of Romance, Song, Cheeriness, and countless other troops willing to do what ever is necessary to support me (and I am SO thankful for them). My armor isn't white any more, and it's a bit dinged up but it still shines when ever I smile in the face of these circumstances.

The two armies face off in the valley. Swords clash and darkness falls all over the valley, but I am confident that my army will prevail because if a light is bright enough, it will greatly lessen the shadows... or perhaps just make them darker and more obscure, chasing them away. Either way, I'm sure victory will be mine and though this battle is necessary to move forward, I SO await celebrating it's end!

Stepping stones

All the yesterdays, good and bad,
All the joy and pain we have had,
Every minute that tick-tocked by,
Every season, each day and night,
Are what brought us here, all the way,
To this very moment on this very day.

A road of pain and sorrow I have travelled,
Watching in horror as my dreams unravelled,
Watching my barn burn right to the ground,
And after all that, this is what I've found:
Every moment of pain, it wasn't known-
Each tear, every prayer, was a stepping stone

Just another, yet another step in time
To get me to where I am, here with you,
To bring me to the joy that was worth it all...
And here we are, a warm embrace,
Looking into the deep sea of your eyes...
Having grown and discovered life, this surprise-
A true love with a strong foundation...
The stepping stones lead me right up to you.
All the yesterdays, all the pain and sorrows,
Are measures against the joy of all our tomorrows,
And I will savor each one...

Red and Blue Fishies in Her Hair

The water moves and moves though it's warm,

The little girl got carried out in the storm,

She cried and she tried to get back to the shore,

But the tide took her out, took her out some more...

She drifted, unsafe, unsupported, endlessly,

But something made her float 'till suddenly-

A boat came by, the captain thought she was dead,

She was floating, and bright little fish swam around her head,

Red and blue fish followed along, like flowers in her hair,

The captain cried at such a sight, saying "get her in here."

When the man touched her to lift her out of the water,

Her eyes opened, as the equatorial sun burned hotter,

Surprising the men and they brought her in, and they found,

for days and days she had been floating around,

Out in the ocean, exhausted, floating endlessly,

And they got her back to her already grieving family...

The sailor said that he would never forget the view,

Of the girl in the green ocean water, with fishes red and blue....

-based on the account of a true story~

Rain falls, thousands of drops,
Some landing in puddles, some on tree tops.
Some join others, some fall away,
All the rain goes some where, night or day.

People are like the rain, gathering and not...
They are everwhere, each one sought,
A group to find, a place to fit in,
A puddle to share, a relationship to begin.

Some failed and then gave up,
Drinking away what could have been.
Some found what they thought was good,
But then realized they had to start again...

Some found the greatest treasure,
Deep within themselves, no more looking,
It was there all along within...
Not in a group or relationship...

Each of us is our own perfect raindrop.
The fortunate are those that realize it.

Mixed Bag

Got a mixed bag and its weighing me down...
It's heavy between the anvil and the crown...
Do I have to bear this pedistal?
This mixed bag is not that cool...
I have love and pain and confusion mixed in...
I have encouragement and discouragement, accusations of sin...
I have friends true and enemies disguised...
I am admired and I am dispised...
It's the bag I have to carry, think I'll lighten the load,
Let go of some of it so I can get down the road...
And be on my merry way to the rest of my life.

Directions?

This life is full of roads and paths...
Some claim to have the ultimate map...
I took the road they said I should take.
It was one way pointing to light...
but the road took a turn and suddenly,
Everything was so dark.
Still one way, further and further...
I had to pull over before I crashed.
On the side of the road, I noticed
A short path to the other side...
A road going back toward the light I crave.
It's a hilly road with twists and turns,
The kind I like to drive upon...
So I took the bumpy path to the other side,
And now I'm on my way...
Joyfully taking the twists and turns as they come...
Driving confidently down this cool road.
Don't know where it ends,
Don't know if it's considered high or low,
Seems like both but its the one I chose,
And I'm happy with my choice, where ever it may lead.

All That I Am

Poetry flows from my soul
through a life full of strife and love,
Joy and pain help me regain
A true perspective like never before.
Now I am grown, now I can love...
Now I am free to be as I am...

Judge me if you will, I am who I will be.
See me for who I am, and love me anyway...
And you will secure my long lasting friendship,
And I will do anything for you as I am able.
When you are down, I will encourage,
When you are sad, I'll cry with you.
When you are happy I will laugh with you,
And when you are in a rotten mood I'll put up with it,
And hope I can help bring you to a better place.
For life is full of joy and pain and strife,
I will try to be one that helps make it worth it all.
And when I love you, I will love you with all my might;
All that I am and everything I have.

Ripples

Body's bruised, feeling used
Worn out and ugh, quite spent
Joy and tears switch their gears
And came as fast as they went.
Mistakes were made, some things were said
Some actions proved what's real
Some people gone I loved so long
How am I s'posed to feel?
Sadness, yes, is this to test
Sincerety of my heart?
Over joyed to feeling annoyed
Are not too far apart.
How do I end, to make ammends
When the trust just isn't there?
How do you start with a broken heart
In a situation unfair...
And do I dare continue to care?

Afraid of what?

YOU STAY AWAY, GET AWAY FROM ME!

I HATE YOU, STAY AWAY, GO JUMP IN THE SEA.

DON'T TOUCH ME AGAIN, PLEASE JUST GO!

TAKE MY ONLY MODE, TAKE MY BOAT AND ROW~

[is this the moment I take his life?] DESIST, BACK AWAY!

[is this the moment I take his ability to walk astray?]

TAKE MY GEAR, TAKE WHAT EVER YOU WANT!

[but you're not taking me, so stop your hunt!]

GO! I'M CALLING FOR HELP, SOMEONE HELP ME!

[quick, before I hurt him, and feed the wild of the sea]

PLEASE, GET AWAY FROM ME, SEE THE TEARS ON MY FACE?

[I really don't want to be accountable for your life's waste]

I AM AFRAID [but you really don't know why,]

[I'm afraid I may disable you] SO AFRAID AM I...


...He took my boat scoffing and rowed away,
the coastguard drove me home... I was okay...
So glad for practiced patience and control...
Self defense, not revenge my only goal.

Pain

A man on the street could step on my feet
And though it would hurt, I'd get over it...
A man on the street could beat me, leaving me black and blue
But the ones who can hurt the deepest are the ones closest to you.
Someone could break in and tear my house apart,
But they could never go near the debts of my heart...
It's those with the access, it's only those who know
The deepest parts of a person that can cause such woe
And the one I once sang to, the one I trusted to the end,
Proved that he was close to me, but definitely not a friend.