Cross Roads

Standing at the intersection, looking at the signs,
Checking the map but can't decipher the lines.
Which road should I take to reach a better place?
Where am I going, am I on a goose chase?
Do all of these roads circle into each other?
Confusing the traveller as a joke of Another?
Why am I here and which way should I go?
Which road is the high road, which is the low?
The map doesn't say, so how will I know???

Intuition whispers that I should go this way,
this is the way I've chosen, and on this road I'll stay.

Tears fall

Tears fall and with each one,
A bit of poison leaves-gone
It hurts as each one comes out,
At God I want to scream and shout.

A plan for me I was told He had,
A plan for me not to be so sad,
A plan for my good and not dismay
But for so many years did I pray...

I finally gave up, it's not His will.
He isn't He, Nor is "He" Female.
Oh God, why now, when I gave up?
Why now would Your answer be so abrupt?

Why would he be everything I want-ed,
After I gained the strength- my weakness confronted?
Is it all a sham, this time is it really true?
Is this a change that has come from You?

Tears of anger fall from my eyes,
Like acid rain falling from the skies,
It burns, and yes, I'm still awake,
My heart, Lord! My heart so aches!
Comfort me, please help me be strong!

I will not go backward, that would be wrong.
I will move forward, I will move on,
Past this pain and these tears held so long.
I will I will I WILL again find Joy,
I don't really care if it is (or not) a ploy,
I'm tempted but I will not give in,
And go back to that place I've already been.

I will, I will be strong on my own,
Knowing Your will is never truly known,
Because You choose to remain a Mystery,
and I will be strong through this misery...

You make me strong. God help me hold on!!!

Must......Focus!

Come on, focus, concentrate!
Despite the fact that I'm irate.
Okay now, brain, go this way,
No don't, please don't wander away!

Function at this task at hand!
Forget what the emotions demand!
All of my concentration is gone
It's awful that I cannot move on.

First things first, no more to and fro
Things to do, places to go...
Gotta get work done, it takes the mind,
But if anyone asks, I am doing fine.

Just Beyond the Storm

I can't see it but I know it's up there,
Beyond the black clouds' viscious glare,
Behind the storm and beyond the tears,
Beyond time and the pain of all these years,
Above the gruelling thunder and lightening,
Beyond the storm dark, raging and frightening,
Beyond what from here is such a dark view,
Is peace and quiet, and the bright sky is blue.

Land of Ought No Longer...

I am no longer living in the Land of Ought, I broke out of that prison there.
I am no long a slave to that world, I'm out and I like it so much better here.
Now I live in the land of Limbo, a place not right neither wrong,
And this is the place I will probably live for my whole life long.

Hooray, I'm free.

White Bird

White bird in a rusty cage,
Becoming off-white with age,
Nearly 30 years old, 14 here,
Caged up, lonely and kept by fear.

The white bird sang and sang,
Her sweet chirps throughout rang.
She chose to be happy and dance,
Despite her frightful circumstance.

The White bird in the rusty cage,
Ignored the problem, hid her rage,
She saw it as a terrible blemish-
Until she realized that it was rubbish.

She screached and rammed the cage door
She was tired of being locked up and poor,
She wanted out of that cage so badly,
She pushed open the door, then she was free...

No longer imprisoned, no longer poor,
For her own good she now will forge,
Happily free of bars and fear,
She has joyfully flown away from here.

My Spirit's Cry

The place I go each day inside
Is a slippery slope, no place to hide.
No way to lie or deceive myself,
No sugar coating, no obscure shelf.
It's all in the open for me to see,
There's no way to lie inside of me.

If I ignore my spirit's constant cry,
It comes out in ways I can't deny.
I can shut my eyes and try to ignore,
All that my spirit is crying for,
I can plug my ears, and refuse to hear
The cry that my spirit calls out clear.

I can close my mouth and refuse to taste,
And all the more, my spirit hastes-
And cries louder and shakes me up,
I don't sleep well and my life gets rough.
I start to get sick and cannot breathe
My crying spirit in anguish seethes.

All of this I don't understand,
I beg for help from my Savior's hand,
I realize I have to look at these things,
And deal with the heartache that it brings,
And after that my spirit will sing
And I will, again I will have peace.

Climbing...

Climbing, ever climbing, climbing, climbing up this hill.
Sometimes I feel so weak, but I must keep climbing still.
You say, "hey stop climbing, baby, just rest right here with me",
But I can't lose my momentum, I'll turn into a tree.

Slipping, ever slipping, slipping, slipping on this path,
If I take the steep fall back, I'll feel the painful wrath-
Of my spirit all these years; wronged, ignored and spent
And I'll be lost forever, wondering where it is I went.

No, I have to keep on climbing, climbing, climbing and climbing still,
I don't know what lies ahead, and don't think I'll know until,
I crest this mountain, and maybe then I can get a clearer view,
Of where I'm going, what I want, and how you fit in too.

Until then I'm lost for words, except to say, "give me some space",
Solitude and personal peace is what I want to taste.
I can't do that as an acorn in your pocket; nor a tree, you see!
Just let me climb, and climb some more, what I need is to be free.

Tunnel

Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel?
All I see now is the darkest dark.
The candle light is swallowed by the darkness-
Just a flame, nothing is illuminated by it.
I have forgotten what my own hands look like,
I wonder if I am in a tunnel or really a cave.

I'll keep moving along, hoping for the faintest light
The faintest clue that I am somewhere near
Close to getting out of this dark dark darkness
and back to where the sun shines and the rain falls.

Back to where warmth and cold are felt to the full,
Back to where colors and scents flourish,
Back to where the night and day are separate-
Back to where there are faces of many kinds,
Back to life- where I truly belong.

I'll keep travelling, guided only by hope and faith,
And wondering if I am progressing to the light
Of the tunnel's end or the dark bottom of the cave.
Only time will tell. Does time pass in the dark?

Wind

Which way will the wind blow?
We're like the wind, to and fro.
Does it make sense for us
To wait and see which way we'll fall?

I'm here tied to the ship's mast,
Awaiting the end of this craziness,
The wind blows this way,
and I think we may be okay-
Then it takes a turn for the worst...

Why am I waiting to see which way
Which way the wind will blow?
The wind always changes directions.
It will never be good, though there is good,
And it's not all bad, but the bad comes up.

The question is, if I get untied from this mast,
Will I be able to go inside, sheltered
and get relief from this terrible wind???

Here I am tied to the ship's mast,
awaiting the end of this craziness,
But the winds never stop blowing,
You never know where it comes from
and you never know which way it's going.

So the questions is, what am I waiting for
And what's the final determining factor???
I can't make a move, I'm tied to the mast,
Awaiting the end to this craziness...
Waiting and waiting for the end...

The Sacred Divine

God, Divine, who ever You are,
You are a sacred mystery.
Way over human kind,
Beyond our understanding,
Legends and myths were created
To explain Your greatness...
Are all of them true, or none?

Are all the gods of all the lands
Actually perceptions of You?
The Bible, the Torah, the Q'uran,
All say "God is One".
Ancient discoveries say that You
Were seen as female at one time.
More recently it's said You are male.

I believe You are Only God!
I believe You are Holy Creator.
I believe You are neither female or male,
You have attributes of both,
But You are Spirit, and You are Love
How ever each one should interpret Your Holiness,
May thier worship honor You without persecution.

God is a mystery, right before our eyes.
Revealed in nature, just take a look
At all the variety, all the wonders...
Listen to music, taste some food,
Feel the comfort of a hot shower,
Be thankful for medicines and remedies,
Look at the ones you love,

And know that there is God-
The God of the Bible, Q'uran, Torah,
The God represented in statues,
The God seen as spirits in the desert,
Seen as different gods, persecuted...
Are all worship of the One True God
The God of Love who created all of this.

Indifference

Always striving, always wanting,
Always struggling, always hunting,
Always awake, wishing for sleep,
Always in turmoil, longing for peace.

When will these struggles, struggles end?
You want to keep going, again and again.
You say it gets better, but it never does,
You say it will return, but it never was!
It never was healthy, it never was true.
It was a fear-performance, geared to you.

I can no longer stand to live on a stage.
I can no longer hold in resentment and rage.
I don't want to pretend that this life is okay,
I have just found myself, and won't go away.

I am who I am, I've discovered anew.
It doesn't go with how you want me to.
I am who I am, and I'll stay like this.
Though it's the passive me that you miss.

It is how it is, let's look at the core,
Indifference at best, there is no more.
Indifference, a "dark aura around my soul",
But how did it get there, Dark as coal?
It was experience, so up and so down,
Every day, every day, I cried at your frown.

Threaten to end it, I won't get upset.
You try your fear tactics, my response to get.
I'm not afraid anymore, I'm stronger now.
You try to hurt me but no longer know how.

You hate that I'll walk if the abuse resumes,
You hate when I no longer feel the dooms,
When you threaten to leave, it makes me yawn
Cause I'm indifferent, and I am that strong.
Not that I don't care, don't get me wrong...

If I didn't care at all, I wouldn't be here,
We've been together more than 13 years,
I did all I could now I have nothing left,
No more tears to cry- indifference at best.
Believe me, right now, that's as good as it gets.

Entangled

How was I to know? How was I to see?
I was flying along, and the web entangled me.
Oh some tried to warn me, but I didn't catch
That I would be the hungry spider's next batch.
I was young, and the alternative looked so bad,
Not realizing the wrong of the situation I had.
It's not the spider's fault, he needed the love,
So he set his trap between the branches above,
I flew right into it, and decided to stay...
Now so stuck, tied up, all I can do is pray.
God get me out of this entangled mess!
I'm desparately tired of struggling and need rest.
Help the spider's heart not to break and haste-
Oh give him someone else to satisfy his tastes.
I sure tried though I knew it was wrong,
I was a parentless teen, trying to fly along...
Little did I know this would take my whole life,
Dispite 20 years difference, I became the spider's wife...
I pretended to be a spider for all these years,
Trapped in his web, taking abuse, stuffing tears...
Just now I realize that Whoa, A spider, I am not.
I am a butterfly, and at life, I want another shot.
Let me go, let me fly away from here, let me go.
I want to be free to explore the woods and the meadow.

I want to fly like you always knew I could,

If you would only let me go, then fly I would...

Assertive Rose

The garden rose is so beautiful,
Petals so soft and lovely in color,
Her perfume is always appealing,
The sign of love, never offending...

She is known for her ability to please,
And her thorns are forgotten-
Her blossom is the focus for all to see.
She basks in the attention...

She blooms into her destiny...
Till someone tries to tear her down,
Then curses her for her thorns
With offended hand bleeding...

From the rose this epiphany...
Excellence in self defense,
Only when harm is attempted,
Do her thorns come into play-

Appropriately assertive is the rose.

Land of Ought

Here I am living in the Land of Ought,
Pretending to be happy, but I'm not.
I've been doing everything I should,
I do what I'm told to do- to be good.

A prisoner here without chains on my feet
Living a life that is incomplete.
Just one golden shackle on my left hand
Keeps me imprisoned, here in Ought land.

Everything's fine as long as I stay
Within concrete walls, damp and grey.
There is no light, it's so dark and gloomy,
I long to see the sun and flowers blooming.

I'm told how to act, I'm told how to think,
How much more can my heart possibly sink?
Sleepily floating throughout life,
A prisoner, a slave, a mother and wife.
No more denial, being awake isn't easy,
Life is no longer so light and breezy,
I can't get back to unconscious sleep.
And the spacy contentment I can no longer keep.


Here I am in the Land Of Ought...
Imprisoned and acting just like I was taught,
but I want out of this prison here,
the door is open, but can I go there?

Something tells me that I might die,
But I'm already here almost dead inside.
I have to go, I want to survive,
I want to be happy and free...

Perplexed

Bumbling around in the dark,
Ever searching for the daylight,
Trying to find some passageway,
To get back to the light of day...

Then I see it, bright and enticing
I float over to see if it is real,
It lights the world from the inside out...
I figure that must be the passageway,
Back to the light of day...

Closer and closer I get,
I can feel the warmth, so inviting
I am mesmorized as I go up
to enter the passageway,
and get back to the light of day...

Then ZAP! Now burned I fall to the ground
in the darkness, paralized, unable to get up again.

I thought it was the way back to the land of the light...
I only got burned and now I lay in the dark perplexed.

Peace

In the center of the garden of Heaven,
I sit in the soft green grass.
Hidden behind the curtain of the beautiful weeping willow...
Singing with the music of the bubbling brook.
The strands of the leafy branches sway in the warm breeze,
Oh, what beauty, joy and peace.
This is where I dream to be...
Amongst creation most beautiful, surrounded by prisms of color so amazing,
The sweet fragrance of hope, and loveliness everywhere I look,
Sheltered by the shade of the wonderful willow, enveloped in warmth and peace.

Deep in the Well

I am feeling burried.
Deep in a well.
Cold dark and dank.
Down down down
At the deep dark bottom
Down down down,
Below the earth.

I was digging my way out
But now my hands are trapped
I am too deep down in this well.
More falls on my head
And I am tired of shaking it off.

I wish I could explode

Then the well would cave in

And I would have no choice but peace.

I wish I could rescue myself

And climb right out of here.

I am trapped, and more falls on my head.

I'll keep shaking it off to survive,

But I sure am stuck, here below the earth

Getting burried at the bottom of this cursed well.

Sister Storm

Uh-oh, you're getting dark again, I feel it coming on.
I wonder what will happen, what we'll see come once the dawn.
Oh last time, my heart was thrashed, I scrambled for the pieces.
This time, there's nothing left to lose, and my crying ceases.
The day is lost when the sun would shine, and again we might be warm.
For you, my sister, you are nothing but a wreckless storm!
You scream and thunder 'bout all you gave, your rain upon the Earth.
You demand with lightning, tearing winds, that we bow down to your worth.
You tear down the family with your demands, rip us apart and still,
You want us to worship you and bow to your cruel unyielding will?
Controlling nature, yes, I know, you were raised by our mother.
Perhaps you could try to get along by NOT controlling others?
Oh but that's too much for you, dear storm with might and rage,
For how could others know your pain if the hurts you didn't stage?
You might find freedom in feeding the earth, instead of tearing apart,
For you would not only heal the earth, you'd heal your broken heart.

ROLLER-COASTER

this is my life.

Up and down, all around, I'm dizzy and I'm sick.
I got on the ride, I buckled up, and I paid for this.
The man at the controls laughs as he sends me 'round again,
Begging him to stop the ride as all the backgrounds blend.
But it doesn't stop, I'm stuck in this seat and by the bars I'm bound.
I don't remember what it's like to be still on the ground.
No one told me I was signing up for such a dirty trick.
My life is up and down, round and round so dizzy and so sick.

The Mask

Nobody sees what's behind my smiles.
Behind my eyes, my tears go for miles.
I'll stay cheery, just to please these folks,
But none of them know that it's a hoax.

All they see is the mask displayed
A character I'd like to be,
My cheery, happy mask portrayed.
The only one I let them see.

None of them see this storm inside,
Raging and thrashing as dark clouds collide-
Lightning strikes of chills down my spine,
Thunder crashes as my stomach grinds,
And the river floods with my tears.
It floods all the way up in me, but wait-
Stop, gotta hide it, no one can see.

All they see is the mask displayed
A character I'd like to be,
My cheery, happy mask portrayed.
The only one I let them see.

Still some will catch a glimpse.
Some will feel the darkness inside
Even though I don't let them see.
Some recognize that I hide...
Some sense that behind this mask
there is so much more to me.
But I can never let them see.

All they see is the mask displayed
A character I'd like to be,
My cheery, happy mask portrayed.
The only one I let them see.

Me Disappeared

There is no Me, she got lost long ago.
Has she ever existed? I really don't know.
Me took care of sisters and brothers,
And continues still to be devoted to others.
Please don't ask what's best for Me,
There's no Me to ask, no Me to see.
She was sucked dry and ground to dust.
She only lives to serve others, she must.
She doesn't know any other way...
If you ask Me what's best, she won't know what to say.
What about every one else?
What's best for them, and if Me thinks of herself-
They will suffer and it's just not fair.
So the dust of Me was blown into the air.
There is no Me, so just don't ask.
Me disappeared behind her mask.
There is no Me, she got lost long ago.
Did she ever exist? I really don't know.

Confusion Sea

Treading water for so long, the waves smash over me.
Dunked by the pressure, in this Confusion Sea.
Just when I think I see rescue, an island to rest upon
I get smashed down by another wave, and when I look, it's gone.
How long can I continue before to the bottom I fall?
My voice is gone, but still I scream and shout and call.
I'm kicking, trying so hard to stay at the surface here,
But I am so tired, I'm about to give up, I fear.

Song from a Dream

Running just as fast as I can,
through the slow motion world,
Fire and water chasing me,
Which one will take me first?
Too much smoke, and I can't see.
I'm all alone, and panicking-

Bring it back down to gravity.
Time will never wait for me,
But bring it back down to gravity.
Bring it on down to gravity.

Running just as fast as I can,
through suspended time
I can't tell which is worse...
The fear or the actual flood.
The wave builds up and crashes hard,
The water overtakes me.

Bring it on down to gravity.
You can stop the clock but time passes on.
Bring it back down to gravity.
Just bring it on down to gravity.

Running just as fast as I can,
through my continuous dream,
I find a weeping willow, and I climb the tree
Time goes backward as I watch in awe,
Then shoots forward past my pain-
And the storm is suddenly over as I fall...

Bring it back down to gravity.
Time will never wait for me,
So bring it on down to gravity,
Bring it on back to gravity...

LET GO!

Let go, evil heart, let loose, let go!
It was wrong all along, and you knew it, let go.
You don't want your dark side brought out, LET GO.
Stop thinking of him, his eyes and his smile,
Let me have peace for a little while.
Let go of this man who's attached to another.
See him not as handsome, but as a brother.
Let go! Let go of how he made you feel,
Let go of how he made this heart reel, LET GO!!!
Let go of his movements, don't let him thrill,
Let go of your desire for him, let go.

I'm not holding on, but I can't let go.
I'm stuck, too attached, wish I could let go.
I don't want to think of him anymore, no.
But how do I get away- to let go?
Every time I see red, I think of this man,
I think of his spirit, and the connection we had.
I think of his eyes, piercing through my soul.
How can I let go? How can I let go?
I think of his heart, it doesn't belong to me.
I think of his work, and how much he taught me,
I dream of his scent, every detail so clear.
I see how he saw me when I see a mirror.

How do I let go? How can I break free?
He got to my spirit, and forever will be
A thorn in my heart, and what makes it break,
I'm afraid that my heart will forever still ache,
How do you let go of what's inside of you?
How do you close up Pandora's box?
How do you un-break the opened locks?
He was so hot that he burned me up,
Now I'm still burning and don't know how to stop,
Scarred for life, and I still don't know...
How to let go. How to just let go.

Suspended

It's cold under water, everything's blue
I can't breathe, don't know what to do,
I can kick with my feet, I can hold my head high
But I can't breathe and I think I might die.
What happened to the land where we spent the days?
Where is the love and the warm sun rays?
Where did it all go and how'd I get here?
I'm dying, or I might be dead already, I fear.
Because I'm under water, and I can't breathe!
In this sadness, hurt and anger I seethe.
All this water here is from my tears,
built up and collected over all these years...
Will I live or die, does the end draw neigh?
I don't know. This is where I'm suspended.
Suspended in pure uncertainty.
He asks if I need him to leave me.
I clutch him, "No, don't go",
I realize I still care as my tears start to flow.
Now they won't stop, and I cannot sleep
I cannot tread the water this deep...
Panic overtakes me with the white wash waves
Passion ran away with the love I crave...
Passion and love, please return to me,
Come save me from this raging sea
Rocks and wind and driving rain
Make me wonder if I've gone insane...
Perhaps I shall fly away like a bird,
Or be rooted deep down like an anchor...
I don't know... I don't know... this is all I know...
honestly, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, the answer is too scary.

Statue in the Garden

Oh, dread! I'm turning to stone.
Frozen in place from the outside in,
but passion still burns in my heart
Cold stone on the outside, molten hot at the core...

You can see the expression on my face
Is one of distress, longing and hope.
My outstretched arm reaches up and out...
My begging hand revealed.
My humble heart not asking for much...
My feet frozen one in front of the other,
Ready, always ready to take the next step and move on.

But here I stand forever still with the birds perching around me,
In the center of the garden, ever looking up and reaching toward the morning sun...
A stone figure to all eyes that see, a warm resting place for the heart
If the heart is troubled by wrongful heat,
rest it here and move on before you turn to stone too.

Cold stone on the outside but still hot lava at the core...
Frozen from the outside in, this is the curse.
Other statues are dead inside, other lava flows and bubbles,
I am stone but oh how the passion still burns in my heart,
Hot as lava my heart burns, but no one will know,
For I am frozen from the outside in and cannot tell.
For anyone with eyes and ears, I am just a statue.
Just a curious decoration in the garden, reaching toward the morning sun.

Thematic Rumi Poetry...

You are in love with me, I shall make you perplexed.

Do not build much, for I intend to have you in ruins.
If you build two hundred houses in a manner that the bees do;
I shall make you as homeless as a fly.
If you are the mount Qaf in stability.
I shall make you whirl like a millstone.

-RUMI

I was in love, now I am perplexed... whirling for sure...

I could have written this one... my heart agrees:

I said I shall tell the tale of my heart as best as I can;
Caught in the storm of my tears, with a bleeding heart, I failed to do that!
I tried to relate to event in broken, muted words;
The cup of my thoughts was so fragile, that I fell into pieces like shattered glass.
Many ships were wrecked in this storm;
What is my little helpless boat in comparison?
The waves destroyed my ship, neither good remained nor bad;
Free from myself, I tied my body to a raft.
Now, I am neither up nor down-no this is not a fair description;
I am up on a wave one instant, and down under another the next.
I am not aware of my existence, I know only this:
When I am, I am not, and when I am not, I am!
(Divan 1419:1-6)


I relate to this one experiencially:

Like a thief reason sneaked in and sat amongst the lovers eager to give them advice.
They were unwilling to listen, so reason kissed their feet and went on its way.


One Last one: Here's my plan...

Seek the wisdom that will untie your know
see the path that demands your whole being.
Leave that which is not, but appears to be
seek that which is, but is not apparent.


What I had was not but appeared to be... now I have to turn my heart around.
My broken, misguided heart... I will be more apt to listen to reason from here out.