Waiting for the Spring~

The night has leached out all my strength
I finally drift off on the ocean of my tears
Only to wake again as the lack of your body
Crashes into me with the coolness of the night...

I shiver as the marrow in my bones turns to ice
And desperately chase the sleep that eludes me.
Can't drown in this sadness- I need to be strong.
I am torn between wanting you and the need to move on.

There's nothing that will numb my aching heart,
No choice but to feel this to the full, the tears spill out.
Oh this is my time of weakness- alone and cold
Wishing to be beyond longing for your warmth-

I guess this is the winter in the season of my grief,
The night stole my strength and punctured my heart
In this deep of darkness, hope is far out of sight...
But the dawn will arrive before forever comes to pass.

Before I know it, the light will reveal new blossoms
Everywhere I'll smell the fragrance of blooming Hope
And Peace will flow through me like a bubbling brook
Once again I'll see the healing Light and hurt no more.

In Between

In between sleep and awake,

You and I have always been.

In the space between dimensions,

You and I are connected within.

In reality I don't know you

I've never looked into your eyes-

But in a different world and time

At the Gate of Dreams it lies-

Our connection suspeneded there

Right next to the Fountain of Youth

Treasure beautiful and indeed rare-

Who knew?

I never would have guessed

That the sea I've never seen

Would be right here in rest

Where every breeze starts-

Where there's healing for broken hearts-

In the very center of all-- In between.

Release

Weight lifted off my face,
I can smile, I can truly smile...
Shackles broken, not a trace-
I can dance once again...

Out of the water I can breathe
I am free to breathe again
Eyes open, blinking against the light,
Free to move and make things right...

Broken but healing, there is hope-
There is always hope.

Seeds Sown.

Seeds that fall on shallow ground
Spring up with joy-
and quickly whither down
Because they have no roots.

That was our love.

To make fertile ground,
It takes time and much work
The soil isn't ready
Until it's nutrient rich.

What's sad is we could have had that.
We decided to skip those steps
And jump in as we were,
Based on potential, which we had.

Our love sprung up joyful and intense,
Only to die down and whither into-
Into what it became...
We had no roots built up.

Everyone was surprised
How we died down-
It was too soon to love,
and too soon to whither.

Sad and broken now,
No hope of revival.
We are a couple no more.

If Only We Were Perfect for Each Other...

If I had been perfect for you and you for me,

This is how I imagine it would be:



You:

You would treat me like a queen.

Without being asked you'd help me clean,

You'd really listen when I speak,

And hear me out on what I think.

You would support the decisions I make,

When it comes to my kids and the steps I take.

You'd make efforts to ensure I feel free,

To do what I want and feel I need.

You'd trust me to be yours alone,

And know I'd never wreck our home.

You'd love me for who I am each day,

And you'd be positive in what you say.



Me:

I would treat you like a king,

Come home from work, cook and clean,

Smile and never ever be mad,

Put off frustration- just be glad.

I'd do everything you'd tell me to,

Exacty the way you asked me to.

I'd encourage you to go and be free,

Do what you enjoy and feel you need...

I'd trust you to tell the truth to me,

And know you only act faithfully.

I'd understand everything you'd say,

And always respect you for feeling that way.

(Sob)..........................................(Sob)

If only, if only things................ had been different

If we were perfect for each...........other, we would get along,

We'd hold one another......and together be strong-

We didn't do that and now......it's all gone wrong.

No longer to each......other do we belong.

All thats left is......sorrow, regret

And this.....broken

Hea...rt.

We're doing the right thing...

You're here but you're gone...
You're working on moving on.


We're both hurting in Limbo
Waiting for the time you go.

My heart reaches for you,
My body too...

But I try to hold back
So you don't feel attacked.

Love isn't enough to keep us together,
It is the core but too much of the other,

You say it's for the best and I know it is,
But it's your skin and your touch I'll miss.

I still love you and my heart is broken,
As is yours- so you've spoken...

Our hands both naked without a ring,
But we're doing the right thing...

It's for the best and it's the right thing...
Though it hurts to my very soul.

Weighed down

My heart is drenched in sadness
Sadness so thick it's hard to beat.
The confusion and fear of mistakes
Weigh down so heavy on me.
I don't want to die but I wish for sleep
Deep peaceful sleep for as long as it takes
To heal from all this heartache.

The ocean dried up

My heart is cracked and broken
Like a shell upon the sand
I feel the life has left me
Alone and dry on the land
My tears fall one by one-
All my hopes are dried up and gone.

Cross Carefully…

Invisible lines throughout life-

Some are just like spider webs- secret and fine,

You barely sense them before you’re trapped.

Once you’ve cross certain lines,

It feels like the world has cracked-

And you know there is no easy way back.

Other lines crossed bring on new life…

Green grass and flowers and freedom abound…

And after you cross them you meet new strife

Suddenly the joy you had can’t be found.

And you wish that you could just turn around.

There are progressive lines crossed;

A small one here, a little one there…

Innocent at first, and judgment is tossed…

Then they grow and become too much to bear-

The price so deep you wish you hadn’t gone there.

Any new line is should be considered well-

Is it a moment of pain for the greater good?

Is it an instant of joy for a lifetime of hell?

Will it hurt anyone? Would it be rude?

Will it cause regret, is it fully understood?

Cross carefully!

It's Past Time...

Tired from nightmares and a broken heart.

He wants to fix it but where do we start?

All this time trading effort for pain,

Lots of potential but really no gain.

Only more grief ahead from this mistake,

Time to correct it and stop the heartache…

It will heal eventually…

What is real?

How can you tell me that your way is right and the rest of the world is wrong?

How can you say that you know the way- that yours is the only one strong?

How can you say, though I live the best way, that Hell is where I belong.

How can you tell me that I am lost if the Divine's not the same in your book?

Have you thought that all Scripture is valid; have you ever taken a look?

You get on me, but you don't see through that huge plank in your eye.

The Creator made all people and ways; truth is what you deny.

We're told to believe like children- but kids are easily deceived-

I don't konw all the answers, and that's okay; contrary to what I once believed.



What God wants, God will have- The Creator controls all things-

And will present the depths of the Spirit however it may please.

Men may interpret it differently according to their ways,

But I can learn from all of it, and that's how I'll spend my days.

Out Together

I catch a glimps of what used to be.
Is it real or am I in a dream?
Sadness washes over me
As I think about reality...
But for now nothing is as it seems,
It is the way it used to be and
For the moment- for the moment,
I'll enjoy the dream.

Hard Wired

When we were brand new,
How the current flowed through.

It was a wonderful flow of energy...
Passing from me to you and you to me.

Poetry flowed from me always then.
I began to trust and my wounded heart opened.

We joined as one- and what happened to the flow?
Suddenly what was raging became very slow.

Short-circuited now- sadly we are broken.
Still joined, but our love blocked and unspoken.

I have all this love to give and it's killing me,
I'm being burned up by my own wasted energy.

Oh bitter is the once-so-sweet taste-
The price to pay for our foolish haste.

Trapped?

Pull the drawbridge, fill the mote.
Tell the citizens that we are on alert.
Send out the scouts, call the guards.

They said they were friendly...
They sent promises of peace and joy.
They sent gifts of love, all words unfulfilled.
Get the guards to their posts, watchers watch.
This alliance may actually be a take over.

Oh my hurting heart.

House of Cards

Building a house of cards,
You know it will come down,
But you build it anyway, it fills the time.
Card by card you get in deeper...
"Can't stop now, we've reached the second story"
So we build and build and it gets bigger and bigger
and we decided to go ahead and live in it
Despite the fact that cards are weak
and card houses always come down sooner or later...
Reassurance abounded and I went along-
And as I feared, it's coming down- right on our heads.

Looking Back

Painful is the regret of a mistake made,
Living in regret is indeed a high price paid.
Isn't that just the American way?
Gratify now, and later pay.

Oh that's what I've done,
and now my stomach churns.
I look back and see the exact
Point I should have turned.

If only, if only I had just been strong,
It'd be dificult still but not this wrong.
So another crossroads, now much harder,
I wish I wasn't here, wish I had been smarter.

Oh the sadness and pain of regret.
Every day I fret, fret, fret.
The grass is greener on the other side,
I wonder if I can stay and abide...

Turn it around

Why is it we remember the words that are spoken,

That which is negative; promises broken?

For every sweet memory, there are ten bad,

It's easier to hold on to the troubles we've had.

Think of a person that you don't really like;

Name three things bad, name three things nice:

It's harder by far to come up with the good,

I wish we could turn it around- we should!

I will make my best effort- each day,

To see the truth, but in a more positive way.

Balanced

Standing upon a stack of issues a-top a slippery slope,
Maybe life isn't stable right now but I do have hope.

I've learned that all balance lies in the very core,
Just when I don't think I can handle any more,

I step up to another level and wonder how,
And I think I've found the answer now.

Stability is preferable, a solid ground taylored-
But "Smooth sailing doesn't build a strong sailor".

I have to balance better than a circus clown,
but I'll be stronger when I come down.

Too cold

I want the heat of our past desire
I want to look in your eyes and see the fire,
I want you to be crazy for me again,
I want the infatuation you say didn't end.
I want consideration and I want respect,
I want the joy past upon which I reflect.
I miss the poetry that flowed from my heart,
The music we had so strong at the start.
I wish we could go back and learn
How we could avoid losing that burn
Instead of replacing it with another
Where the only fire is anger with each other.
The poetry that flows from me no longer joy.
My speech and touch now seem to annoy.
My heart no longer goes lighter and higher,
It sinks with my tears and douces the fire.
How, tell me how could the heat be gone?
Where love, passion and joy belong,
There are tears, pain, and yes, still hope-
That it's only for now that we have to cope.
My sadness wells as I hope for even ground.
That we'll be okay as time goes around.
A happy medium between extremes-
Instead of the two we've had for themes.
Is middle ground the best to expect?
Can love's first magic ever come back?
Or was it just a deceiving trick,
It turned to anger and sadness so quick.
Will we find a rut to settle into?
Is this the best for me and you?
Passionless roommates monogomous?
No joy, but better than now- no fuss?
Our love once so sweet to the taste...
Ruined by marriage in haste.
A rut would be better than what we have now.
I'd turn it around but don't know how.
It still feels good to be in your arms,
I still enjoy your sweet charms,
there is good in almost every day-
I just want the negative to go away.
The good is there, potential abounds,
Is this a cycle that goes round and round?
What if there is no middle ground?
Can our hearts take all this up and down???
Are we trapped, destined to light and dark?
I miss the heat, miss feeling the sparks.
You say we're fine, and I'm dreading too much-
But I miss the passion and I miss your touch.

One blade of grass...

My Soul weeps and I lack the odacity to seek out a living God.

I've set up and knocked down my own pins.

The God of love is the God of pain and the judger of my sins.



She talks to those that she wants to when Her whim or will calls.

He takes Kings and makes examples of them- so say the stories of men.

He hardens hearts and sets up circumstances to punish

-and to bless...



Does the God of wrath, the God of love, the God of pain, the Creator of good and evil even notice me? Did She see my tears? Did she heed my cries? Did He let me suffer? Did She create the evil done to me and give my abusers the ability to hurt me as much as my ability to cry out in futility? Yeah.



As well as the strength to allow me to get out of a bad situation and right into the next. Yeah.



Does the God of all care to know me, despite years of faithful song and worship and study and diligence and long-suffering to the literal meaning of the word??? Yeah- or some would say.



I don't have the odacity to seek out this God, the Creator of all any longer; nor do I to shake my fist at the sky...

The Maker of Hell is also the maker of the children I serve, the sunset I observe in joy, and the sweet thing in life as well.



I am but a weed in miles and miles of field. One blade of grass.



All I can do is live life the best way I can, with as few regrets as possible and hope it's good enough- despite what my former brothers and sisters in the bible-thumping club would tell me.